Listen & learn: 6 reasons he’s not in the mood for sex

Listen & learn: 6 reasons
he’s not in the mood for sex
Men with low confidence levels in their erectile
function were more likely than other men to
report a lack of desire in this study. “Even just
one incident of erectile dysfunction for a lot of
guys can create a cycle where they think it could
happen again and their whole libido lowers
Contrary to popular belief, men aren’t always raring to
go all day every day. And surprisingly, guys can have
long-term dips in desire just like women. In fact, 14.4
percent of men reported a distressing lack of sexual
interest lasting at least two months in the past year,
according to a new study published in The Journal of
Sexual Medicine . Read on to discover some of the most
common reasons why he may not be in the mood.
1. His Sexual Confidence is Low
Men with low confidence levels in their erectile function
were more likely than other men to report a lack of
desire in this study. “Even just one incident of erectile
dysfunction for a lot of guys can create a cycle where
they think it could happen again and their whole libido
lowers,” says sex therapist Brandy Engler, Ph.D.,
author of The Men on my Couch. If your guy is having
trouble getting or keeping an erection, take the focus
off of that for a while and put it onto something else,
like kissing, fondling, or your own pleasure.
2. He’s Stressed at Work
According to the study, this was the number one reason
men reported having a low libido. Really, it’s not all
that different from how your own body reacts to stress
by dampening desire. “When you’re stressed and in
your head all day, your nervous system is all wound
up, your body’s releasing cortisol, and you’re not
relaxed enough to experience pleasure,” says Engler. If
this is the case, make sure foreplay is slow, sensual,
and calming—like taking a hot shower together,
massaging each other, or just having an old-school
make out session that let’s you both relax and get in
the mood.
3. There’s Something Off in the Relationship
You’d be surprised how important the mind-body
connection is for men when it comes to sex, says
Engler. “If there’s a relationship issue he’s holding on
to or some kind of resentment he’s feeling, the body is
unlikely to respond to desire.” So don’t be too
surprised if guys aren’t always amped for makeup sex
—he might still be mulling things over. In that case, it
may be worth hashing things out to see if there are any
issues that should be addressed outside the bedroom.
4. He’s Bored
Sexual boredom in long-term relationships was
another major reason that men reported a lack of
sexual interest in the study. Don’t panic—this doesn’t
mean he’s bored with you. While women tend to take
this personally, Engler says it’s often not about the
woman at all. It could just be that your sex life has
fallen into a routine. Most of the time, Engler’s patients
say they shut down when they’re always the ones
initiating sex. So if you’ve fallen into a rut, make an
effort to mix things up and show some passion.
Suggest role-playing, take the reins when it comes to
trying a new position, or experiment with one of the
items on our sex bucket list. “Play more of a role when
it comes to being creative and seductive,” says Engler.
“Be present in the experience.”
5. He Already Masturbated That Day
Hey, it’s totally possible that he got a little carried
away without you, and now he’s not feeling as strong
an urge to hop into bed. For some men, especially as
they get older, they don’t feel as strong a desire if
they’ve recently masturbated, says sex therapist Ian
Kerner, Ph.D. author of She Comes First . Just let him
know that next time you’d like to join in on the fun.
6. He’s Just Not Feeling Sexy
You know you don’t feel as frisky after too much Indian
food and not enough exercise, and neither does he. If
he’s just not feeling great, he doesn’t have a
willingness to get aroused, which means sex just isn’t
on the agenda for him, says Kerner. He suggests taking
a little longer with foreplay, kissing, and touching to
see if you can get him over that desire hump.
“Sometimes if you can just get arousal going, your
body will do the rest of the work,” says Kerner.